I am stupidly happy

Because in this very moment, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

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I don’t need much to be happy. I am a lady who enjoys the simple pleasures in life. Like this current moment: wrapped up in multiple blankets on my couch, throwback tunes playing in the background, tea and macbook in hand, talking and laughing with friends in our group chats.

Everything is as it should be at this point in my life. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t reached the goals that I set for my future self – we’re not there yet. I’ll get there in my own timing.

I am stupidly happy because I have an amazing circle of friends, people I truly love the crap out of and the strongest support system. I am happy because my home really feels like a home to me, and I can live independently on my own terms. I am happy because I earn my own living and use it (carefully) however I desire. I am happy because I feel myself strengthening inside & out. I am happy because I know I am contributing positively to this world.

My life is far from perfect, but none of it matters. I’m happy not despite the imperfections, but because of them. I know I will never stop learning and growing, and the world is at my fingertips. I can do whatever I want.

For the first time in my life, I’m not scared of this happy bubble bursting. Usually when I get “too happy” – I wait for the other shoe to drop. What’s going to mess this up? But I don’t have that fear this time. Life will never be a continual high, but as long as I keep a good head on my shoulders, I can get through anything.

– J

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To know more and be more

What happens when those far fetched dreams aren’t so far fetched anymore? What if, one day, I just fucking bit the bullet and embarked on an adventure that changed my life?

Leaning In

I never really understood the concept of just letting yourself feel negative emotions. Growing up, I always made it a goal to crush and squash any feelings of sadness, anger, or grief. I thought that if I let myself feel those things, I would’ve “lost” to it in some way.

I thought the best way was to bottle everything up, not talk to anyone about it, and just vent privately in the comfort of a journal or digital notepad. I would become my own therapist, talking myself out of feeling a certain way, and a lot of the time it worked. I wasn’t to show any emotion, I was to hold it together, I was to act completely fine – and if (god forbid) I didn’t, I would beat myself up relentlessly for it because I perceived it as being weak. My perfectionist tendencies spilled into my personal life in a big way.

As I got older and my circle of trust and confidantes grew, this got a bit better as I was able to express myself to my close friends and the bottling of emotions eased up a bit. I could tell people how I was feeling, seek advice and comfort, and just allow my loved ones to hang lights in the darkest corners of my mind.

Still though, I always felt tremendous guilt and self-loathing when those less than desirable feelings bubbled up. I’d force myself to squash them, kill the feelings, erase as best as I could, and that was how I coped with anything traumatic in my life.

But in light of recent changes (and I’m talking many major parts of my life have been turned upside down), I’ve learned that being kind to yourself is everything. Instead of pushing away feelings of confusion, turmoil, or grief – I let myself feel all those things to my core. I lean into the sadness, the unpleasant feelings, and let it wash over me. I let my friends’ words be a source of comfort, of relief, of stability.

What I’ve realized is that these feelings are fleeting – here one moment, gone the next. If I simply allow myself to be a normal human being and process the emotions, then over time they improve and do not come back to bite me later as it often does with suppressing my emotions. I do not criticize myself – I am kind and gentle and I let myself know that it’s okay. Perfectionism and being unjustly hard on myself has no place in my fight for mental health.

I want to say to anyone out there going through a period of transition or uncertainty, that it’s okay to be feeling the way that you are. Do whatever you need for yourself to feel okay, to work through all your thoughts and feelings, and most importantly to be nice to yourself when you feel like you least deserve it, but need it the most.

– J

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