*cue Nick Jonas and Tinashe*
“Jealousy.” What an ugly word, and an even uglier feeling. How would I describe how it feels?
A combination of your heart sinking, and feeling like you’re about to burst – a barely contained flash of insecurity and anger. It can stem from a variety of things:
- When someone achieves something, or attains something that you also desire – whether it’s a goal or a tangible object.
- When you feel unappreciated and undervalued for your efforts (but someone else gets the credit/recognition).
- When you feel threatened by somebody else – whether in a platonic or romantic relationship.
- When you fight for somebody’s clearly divided attention.
And these feelings can strike in a lot of different areas of your life. In the workplace, in your relationships (friends, significant others, family), in your community – hell, it can even happen with complete strangers that you walk past in the streets.
Ultimately, I think that the biggest contributor is insecurity. Because insecurity feeds jealousy, and jealousy feeds insecurity. It’s a destructive cycle that will leave your mind spiraling into dark places that harm your self-esteem, when it’s all really in your head.
I remember dealing with jealousy as a child and teen, but back then it was much simpler. It was who had the cooler gadgets, clothes, social events. Who got the better grades. Who’s crush liked them back. Who ran the fastest in the 200 metre sprint at Track practice.
I remember when I was fifteen, I wrote a paper about how jealousy can be a good thing – because you can channel that negative energy towards others into improving yourself and elevating yourself to the next level. It can give you the push and motivation to improve whatever aspect of your life that you are unhappy with. And I still stand by my statements seven years later.
Even something as simple as walking by someone and thinking, “Man, I wish I was as fit as her” could be channeled into positive self-improvement: “How can I adopt a more active lifestyle and improve my health?”. “I can’t believe he beat me on the Calculus exam” could turn into “How can I study more effectively?”. The key is to focus on bettering yourself, instead of comparing yourself to others – because that is where all the negative thoughts begin.
Over the last few years, I don’t really consider myself a jealous person overall. It usually takes something sizable to get a rise out of me. But like everyone else, I am human, and when it does strike, I’ve found that taking this approach has helped me greatly in managing my jealousy and turning it into a positive aspect.
Sometimes you can’t control it – like when your significant other is talking to someone that they could be interested in (or who is interested in your partner), or an ex in their life, or one of a million different scenarios. I’m not going to pretend like I know the answer to the complexity of romantic relationships, because I’m not even close to being qualified to talk about that. But I will say that people often want what they can’t have, and they covet what other people desire. It’s human nature.
All I can really say in these scenarios, where jealousy involves people instead of a “thing”, is to communicate with your loved ones. Friends, family, partners – it applies for everyone in your life. Be open, and let them know if something is bothering you. They can’t read your mind, so you can’t expect them to just know how you’re feeling. And if the person is never willing to compromise, or repeatedly makes you feel insecure and jealous with no regard for your feelings – then you should really consider whether this person is worth keeping in your life. Relationships should be based on a mutual respect and trust, not negativity and insecurity.
Like many emotions we go through, jealousy is part of being human. It’s how you deal with it, and what you create with it that makes all the difference.